Disclaimer: This is a subject that I am very much humbled to write about and I understand my experience is limited and my voice represents only one of hundreds of thousands. But I crave to see more writing on the subject so I'm doing my part. I know there are many of you that have different experiences so if you feel like sharing, please enlighten me! If you catch me speaking inaccurately, please call me on my shit!
Kripalu.
I didn't originally understand this word, this yoga. All I knew is it was the only style of yoga available to me in mid-MO that seemed more profound than 'just exercise'. I remember taking my first Kripalu style class and being shocked that we didn't even do one downward-facing dog. I didn't know what to think but I was compelled by the peace I was coming to in my body and I found myself curiously inquiring into the memories my body was releasing as a result of the practice. As the practice took me deeper into myself and letting go of (spiritual/emotional/physical) pain I carried, I was so compelled that I actually went to live at the Kripalu Center for a more intensive study. Learning to be my own guru was not easy at first. I wanted someone to give me answers. I wanted someone to see me better than I could see myself. But instead of being told what to do I was listened to and encouraged to listen to myself. Now that I am continually searching for a yoga community in the huge metro-area of Kansas City that's exactly what I'm not finding-a teacher who gives me space to listen to myself. Now I can't believe my good fortune that I was able to find an active Kripalu community in Columbia, MO.
I think it's interesting the way opposites tend to be related. I love being around people in a process of dealing or healing because I enjoy seeing how the type of healing is related to the scar. How the magnitude of healing corresponds with the amount of pain. Something like trauma or addiction is a huge blessing in this way and some of the most powerfully loving and inspiring yogis I know are those who have overcome addiction or explored trauma as a part of their life's calling. It goes the other way too, of course. Some of the most awake and aware people I know also have a huge unawareness, a blind spot.
I've recently become curious, moreso than usual, about the Kripalu stories from the ashram days. Back then the guru wasn't the Self, it was Amrit Desai, a very powerful man who channels quite a bit of shakti. The practices of yoga allow us to cultivate and carry large amounts of voltage and he carried so much that people loved him and felt seen and loved by him in a way that was very universally powerful and healing for them but also put them under his power. This much power, without self awareness, can get unwieldy. Ultimately I believe Kripalu overcame this scar and this is why communication and self-awareness are hallmarks of the practice. So the scar was a blessing. When I think about my relationship with my Kripalu lineage, I feel the power of Swami Kripalu's blessing on the lineage and on the world, not the charisma that Amrit attempted to inflict on it.
I don't have much firsthand knowledge of Amrit. I will say though that I was living in the building when he passed through for a visit. It was 2009 and he hadn't been there since 1995 when he was kicked out for taking advantage of his role as guru. On this particular day I was just minding my own business, hanging out in my dorm. There was not a chance I could have known Amrit was coming, as it was a near-impossibility. But suddenly I 'needed' to go to the cafe. I grabbed my computer, and went there even though I didn't know why. Then I 'needed' to fill my waterbottle. My body walked to the water fountain and I was fascinated by how these mundane tasks seemed so meaningful. Suddenly I looked up to my left and there he was! Flanked by his wife and Dinabhandu who was the ceo at the time. I thought to myself, "Holy shit, that's Amrit Desai!" He was a radiant old man and it was unmistakeably him. I gazed at him and he gazed at me. For maybe five seconds. Afterward, it felt like I had been filled with some powerful wattage. I buzzed for the rest of the day and it took me a long time to fall asleep that night. So that was from the most miniscule interaction. I feel the surge of energy just from writing about it! I can't even imagine how powerful it must have felt like to be his disciple. Also, what it must feel like to carry around that much intense power that is so influenced by intention and attention. Anyway, the whole of Kripalu felt the intensity of the visit because he brought with him a storm. An intense storm that flooded the basement of the huge guest center and knocked down a very old tree, if I remember correctly. None of the neighboring villages were even rained on, not even Lenox which was like two miles away. So the power is real. Not good, not bad, real.
Anyway, the person who I am now could never give that power over to him. I understand this because of the people I know who did and the transformation they made so people like me could understand. I understand why they did though and I know I would have enjoyed it in its heyday. But the time of the guru is over.
Yesterday I read the first part of Don Stapleton's book, Self Awakening Yoga. The first part gives an overview of his relationship with Kripalu Yoga, Amrit Desai, and his discovery of inner truth. I also found this cool blog entry written by someone who lived at the ashram for a little while in her early twenties as things were crumbling. http://datinggod.typepad.com/katherineturner/2005/10/shram_living_oc.html
Both writers talk about how even though their experience at the ashram was powerful, Amrit was encouraging each one of them to deny their inner truth in some way. The type of yoga inherently opens up inner truth and it's the practice that's true. Whatever doesn't fit with that truth crumbles automatically, and thus the guru fell from power.
Now when I think of Kripalu yoga I think of it as a system that helps the practitioner learn to listen within and cultivate that open flow of energy for themselves. I loved the metaphor that Don shares in his book. With the more formulaic yogas out there, the postures are 'performed'. This is like coloring in a coloring book. So it looks great and feels great but developmentally will only get you so far. A true Kripalu yoga practice is like learning to draw. It takes some time to cultivate the inner knowledge and it may not be as triumphant at first, but the outcome (the freehand drawing) is a much clearer reflection of the truth inside, a clearer reflection of the struggle that creates a mastery of will.
I've met so many 'spiritual people' who are totally fine being spiritual and blissed out as long as their comfort zone is being reinforced. But reality is reality. What needs to crumble crumbles on its own. Like it or not, reality is always showing up as a reflection of what's going on inside. Self awareness helps this be less of a challenge. Truly welcoming any perceived obstacles as self lessens the chance that there will be room for the obstacle to happen again.
Yoga is the practice that dissolves the illusion of separation. I notice when I practice more, everything seems so magical, synchronistic and interconnected. EVERYTHING on the 'outside' is a reflection of the inner world, including all of the people you don't like and the problems you are having. They are all teachers, pointers to what you are ready to look at in your inner world.
And in the 'outer world', earth, lots of things aren't working for us individually. The world changes within our hearts. As we do what works for us, and as we choose not to do what doesn't work for us, the world changes, automatically. What is no longer needed automatically crumbles.
We are all limitlessly creative, limitlessly healing and healed.
I believe in you.
We do it together, guided by the light of the truth inside.
Thank you for showing me myself.
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